Being a mom is hard, like really really hard. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball in the back of the closet with my hands over my ears and rock. These tiny little people that we love so much it hurts can also make us lose our minds.
I have 3 kids, ages 7, 2 and 9 months. Most days are a whirlwind of demands, tantrums, and trying to hold it all together. Oh and I suffer from Anxiety. I usually suffer in silence with a smile on my face and my heart racing. Some days, like yesterday It all comes to a head and Im barely hanging on.
My morning started at 5:50am when my youngest woke up screaming, She’s teething so we have had a lot of early mornings. One by one the rest of the kids get up and the rest of the morning is a mess of diapers, sippy cups and screaming kids wanting breakfast but not wanting to wait for it to finish cooking.
One thing my kids are fantastic at is doing everything in their power to stall getting out the door on time. Its like a super power almost. Leland decided it was a good idea to paint his body head to toe with oatmeal while I was slipping on shoes. That was fun to clean up and got us out the door almost 10 minutes late.
My day got even better, can you hear the sarcasm? My precious Mini Van started smoking! Its never fun when you plan a day of staying home and getting stuff done and something comes up to mess everything up. So off we headed to to the auto repair place.
After an afternoon at my grandparents which was really the only pleasant part of my day, we headed back home. I later received a phone call from the auto repair place saying my precious mini van wouldn’t be ready for 3 days! I had a heck of a time figuring out 3 days with 1 car between my husband and I while one child is throwing a fit about wanting to go bye bye.
Picking Amelie up from school should have been a breeze but again my kids have a super power of stalling us from getting out the door. Leland had been playing so quietly and as we were about to leave I go to get him and he is covered in my makeup. The bathroom was also covered in my makeup. Kid looked like he had a black eye and I didn’t have time to clean him up. So off to the school pick up line looking like a member of fight club it is.
Any mom knows nap time is sacred. We also know that nap time is the only time the other kids want to fight and argue and play with the loudest toys. Well my sweet Talia’s nap got cut short and boy was she vocal about her feelings.
As dinner time approached suddenly everyone was going to die of starvation and needed a snack to sustain life. In the midst of getting snacks they pulled out a box of cereal upside down and it emptied to the floor.
This was it for me. A box of spilled cereal would have been a neusance to a typical person but for me it was the final wave knocking me off my feet and sweeping me under. I looked at the cereal on the floor as the dogs and baby rushed to the mess like Id never fed them in their lives and I was paralyzed. In my mind I had sat down on the floor and started crying but physically I was still standing there just staring.
I couldn’t mom anymore, I couldn’t meet anymore demands, clean anything else. I was physically and mentally exhausted. Anxiety makes each of those little things feel like a brick on your chest and one by one they pile up until you just can’t move.
I Almost went to bed without finishing my Friday blog post. I just didn’t feel up to writing about making my life easier when I just wasn’t feeling it. My husband said, “why not just write about your day?” I struggle everyday with my anxiety and most days I win, but yesterday was not one of those days. Writing about my day and hoping that I can reach another mom who suffers from anxiety and let her know she isn’t alone, thats worth staying up late for. Even when Talia wakes up at 5:50 in the morning again. Its so easy to feel alone and in despair. You are not alone mama, I see you and I understand you. Your feelings and fears are valid and you will make it through. It will be hard but you can do this.